Full Version: A message from John Cleese
From: LaZerDude (C_BURKE) [#1]
2 Nov 2006
To: ALL
(A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America):
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter “U†will be reinstated in words such as “favour†and “neighbour.†Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut†without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “–ize†will be replaced by the suffix “-ise.†Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels -- (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like†and “you know†is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u†and the elimination of “-ize.â€ÂÂÂ
You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen". July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun - Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football. You call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us quite mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation,
J. Cleese, for her most gracious majesty:
Elizabeth II
From: John (ICTJOHN) [#2]
2 Nov 2006
To: LaZerDude (C_BURKE) [#1] 2 Nov 2006
If her royal majesty does not favour Kansas...... how will she collect royalties on "The Worlds Largest Ball of Twine" or "The Worlds Largest Prairie Dog" or "The Worlds Largest Hand Dug Well" etc................????
:S
From: LaZerDude (C_BURKE) [#3]
2 Nov 2006
To: John (ICTJOHN) [#2] 2 Nov 2006
I tend to not question Royalty >.<
From: Jer (DIAMOND) [#4]
2 Nov 2006
To: LaZerDude (C_BURKE) [#1] 2 Nov 2006
From: Shaddy [#5]
2 Nov 2006
To: Jer (DIAMOND) [#4] 2 Nov 2006
Was that a Chris Farley character from SNL reference?
Shaddy
From: LaZerDude (C_BURKE) [#6]
2 Nov 2006
To: Jer (DIAMOND) [#4] 2 Nov 2006
I KNOW B-) :O
From: Mike (MIKEN) [#7]
2 Nov 2006
To: ALL
Now Winston Churchill--that would be cause to pause.
From: Jer (DIAMOND) [#8]
2 Nov 2006
To: Shaddy [#5] 2 Nov 2006
From: Shaddy [#9]
2 Nov 2006
To: Jer (DIAMOND) [#8] 3 Nov 2006
It's becoming clear I've watched too much TV over the years... ah well. :S
Shaddy
From: wolvey (JIMHORNFELD) [#10]
3 Nov 2006
To: LaZerDude (C_BURKE) [#1] 3 Nov 2006
From: LaZerDude (C_BURKE) [#11]
3 Nov 2006
To: wolvey (JIMHORNFELD) [#10] 3 Nov 2006
Wolvey,
There was a letter to the editor of the Maui News that said just that. The ONLY way to effect political change is to not vote for the incumbent. Get rid of them all...... I agree
From: bluepaw [#12]
3 Nov 2006
To: wolvey (JIMHORNFELD) [#10] 3 Nov 2006
Wish it were so but...
Wrong! Directly after Tuesday will begin the battle for 2008 elections.
Bill
From: LaZerDude (C_BURKE) [#13]
3 Nov 2006
To: bluepaw [#12] 3 Nov 2006
Wrong! Directly after Tuesday will begin the battle for 2008 elections.
Well hopefully we won't have to listen to Jahn Carie
From: Stunt Engraver (DGL) [#14]
3 Nov 2006
To: bluepaw [#12] 3 Nov 2006
Not to mention a rise in the price of gasoline. :-)
From: wolvey (JIMHORNFELD) [#15]
3 Nov 2006
To: LaZerDude (C_BURKE) [#13] 3 Nov 2006
From: Stunt Engraver (DGL) [#16]
3 Nov 2006
To: wolvey (JIMHORNFELD) [#15] 3 Nov 2006
Jim,
I agree.
Cary may not be running for anything at the moment, but he just killed any chance, he may have had, should he have had notions of running for President again.
EDITED: 3 Nov 2006 by DGL
From: UncleSteve [#17]
3 Nov 2006
To: Stunt Engraver (DGL) [#16] 3 Nov 2006
Forget about ANY time off from campaigning.... Hil has been running for president up here in NY for the past 4 years!!!!! (and will continue)
"VOTE FOR HILLARY! SEND HER BACK TO WASHINGTON! SHE IS INTERFERING WITH BILL'S SOCIAL LIFE IN CHAPPAQUA!!!!!"
From: Mike (MIKEN) [#18]
3 Nov 2006
To: UncleSteve [#17] 3 Nov 2006
Steve:
The real problem with what the knucklehead said is that it's true. And shame on us.
EDITED: 3 Nov 2006 by MIKEN
From: UncleSteve [#19]
3 Nov 2006
To: Mike (MIKEN) [#18] 3 Nov 2006
We choose between an animal that is known for being stubborn and dumb and one that insists on never forgetting and is big, slow and lumbering!
They, or their handlers, lie to us at worst and mislead us at best and we, the lemmings, follow them over the cliff with a big smile screaming "we won, we won" as we fall to our death.....
From: Harvey only (HARVEY-ONLY) [#20]
3 Nov 2006
To: UncleSteve [#19] 3 Nov 2006
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